Monday, June 14, 2010

Things I wonder about

I always wonder whether people coming into the world (newborn babies) and people passing out of this world (people who have passed away) see or meet each other along the way, or in Heaven. I have read accounts of children who have, while they have been in comas, have been in Heaven with Jesus, and have seen other family members who have passed away. When I hold newborn babies who were either conceived or born close to when I lost my two babies, I always wonder if they saw my children in Heaven, or along the way. I believe that many people would shrug this off as being weird or something "I think too much about." But, if you have lost a child, you will know that it is something you think about often. Sometimes, when I hold these babies, it is as if they stop wriggling for a few seconds, just to look me in the eye, and it appears that there is a hint of recognition or acknowledgment. Maybe it is just my imagination, but it is something I wonder about, and it gives me a sense of peace thinking that maybe they feel my "verlange" (gosh - what is the English word for that - longing - it doesn't seem to justify the feeling like the Afrikaans word does).

There is so much about motherhood that I just get - it is so part of me, so much ingrained into who I am - that it feels wrong not to have a child. But having a child is not a given fact, a guarantee, something we can claim as ours. It is a gift. Which is why it drives me insane when people have children just for the sake of having children - and take those precious little lives for granted. Do people who leave babies in fields to die or who abort their children in some other way not wonder if they are going to give account for that life? I understand that there is often poverty and many other survival concerns that govern the mindset of people in that position - but surely they know that there are other options for that life?

I think I have what my friend Lyn calls "world pain". I feel the world's pain - to such an extent that I have to block so many things and thoughts from my mind. I met a young girl once, at a friend's baby shower, who seemed as if she had some sort of mental disability. And at the time, baby showers were tough for me as I had recently suffered a miscarriage after years of fertility treatment. This girl's attention was on me the whole time (when I was near her). I could feel that she could feel my pain. She didn't say a word, and we didn't speak, but I know that she felt my feelings - it was really weird, but there it is. It was as if she wanted to say something to me, but she could not communicate what she wanted to say. I have remembered that day ever since, and wondered if she has a special gift of compassion.

I don't think we should underestimate our encounters with other people. I think more often than not, there is something that happens in the spiritual realm of which we might be aware, but of which we might be totally unaware. Especially if we are born-again Christians and have the Holy Spirit - there are so many things that (I believe) God can accomplish if we are willing to give a little of ourselves in our everyday life.

Life is short - we keep hearing it; it is a cliche, I know. I want to make mine count. I believe that my husband and I will be parents sometime - in whatever way God chooses to make us parents. In the meantime, I want to be able to touch lives in any way I can.

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